I Gotta Get Outta Here

Every company faces turn over. It comes with the territory, nothing last forever. People come and go with the wind and when you stay at a company long enough you get to watch the evolution of the turn over. See how the company changes as new players come in with their own thoughts, skills, and personalities. These personalities can shift the company culture vastly and watching that shift live can be astounding, for better or worse.

What I have seen is a company go from negative to positive culture. People are more upbeat and friendlier to each other. Some may say this is great, the company is growing and increasing the camaraderie between employees….. WRONG. This change is a hot FRAUD.

This has to be the worst. These fake ass people come in yelling good morning to each other smiling laughing and it’s appalling. This isn’t how things get done around here. I need everyone here to be as unhappy as I am. You don’t deserve to smile, this place isn’t for smiling. How are you in this prison with a smile on your face? You aren’t getting a raise for smiling. No one is taking into affect your pleasantries during your year end review. Nobody really wants to be smiling, its all a facade.

An office needs to have negativity, it needs to breed it. People smiling and laughing don’t get things done. There hasn’t ever been a company to make a buck off a slew of “Good Mornings” roaring through the office, let alone the empty greeting that these positive pansies say everyday.

This office is becoming a fraud of a happy place and with that…..

I Gotta Get Outta Here

There’s a feeling in life that can only come in an office, and unlike most things exclusive to the office this one is euphoric. It is the cube monkeys Super Bowl, their One Shining Moment, *Cue that end of March theme*, and that is getting public retribution on the asshole in the department over. And there is no more efficacious way to do that, in any office, than the most powerful, thunderous line we all hopefully get to type at least once “AS PER MY LAST EMAIL”

A few words in the professional world have as much power without getting you a sit down with HR.  You’re an assassin via Microsoft Office. The ability to, at the same time, slyly eviscerate your enemy with the precision of Hari Kari, but also drop an absolute mushroom cloud on the screen, as you sit comfortably behind your Enola Gay.

One of the true beauties of this is who gets to be CC’d is on the email. Who gets the joy of watching a public execution, how high up does this murder get to be displayed. You’ve become the judge, the jury, and the executioner. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED,  ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED.

You have it typed up to lead off the email, and you have the world in your hand. A silver bullet with only one home, the heart of your enemy. That sorry piece of shit has no idea it’s coming. They are a sitting duck, without a worry in the world. now all that’s left is setting up your book depository window and wait for that motorcade to fall into the right position…… BAM, office assassination.

I gotta get outta here.

Throughout the day as we walk around the office we are forced into conversation about absolutely nothing, just one meaningless statement responded to by another meaningless statement… “Workaholic over here”….. “Just figuring it out”….. “That’s how you gotta do it”.

First off, what the fuck does any of that even mean? Each one of those statements separate or together means nothing, absolutely nothing. How does anyone’s brain even connect what was just said to the previous statement. Are we even listening to what they said or do we have a running soundboard of office related prose.

Second, why do we have to do this. We see these people every Goddamn day, multiple times a day, we aren’t surprised to see them, there’s no elevated joy from running onto these people. We are both confined to this prison together. Neither party of these conversations want to talk to each other, but they can;t deny the need inside them to have these forced pleasantries. Do you think there’s incarcerated people making these quips to each other? “Busy day on the yard”… “Stab or get Stabbed”….”Sunny day for Pull ups”. I doubt you have murderers and thieves even bothering to give the other person the time of day. They just accept that their both here for something fucked up and get on with their day, exactly how we should treat our coworkers, “Hey we’re both pretty disappointing in how our lives ended up, lets just keep it moving.” In an unfortunate twist these prisoners have it more figured out than us chumps voluntarily locked up. We’re just wasting our time and breath exchanging pleasantries with people you’d never choose to have conversation with and these asinine conversations aren’t getting us anywhere.

I gotta get outta here

At what point of just trying to get through a conversation does your coworker think that you’re interested in their diet. I smile and nod along thinking having headphones in both ear would make them realize that I couldn’t give a shit less about them.

I do not care that you’re cutting out bread. I don’t care that you aren’t drinking sodas. I don’t care about literally anything you do. You matter nothing to my day to day. Let alone your eating habits.

Now with that being said If you’re going to talk incessantly about being on the straight and narrow health life, I do have one question….. Where do the 44oz sweet teas fall in your diet, or picking up McDonald’s breakfast every morning, or what about the throwin bows when donuts pop up in the office, and who could forget the cake we saw you shove down your throat with the grace of Kirstie Alley. You on a diet is about a convincing as her Weight Watchers commercials. But who am I to say that your syrup laced tea isn’t helping your diet, I bet it works just like the shit storm teas ass models are peddling on Instagram.

I Gotta Get Outta Here

How many fucking people does it take to figure out a G.D. thermostat. We got 8 people standing around one trying to figure out where the air goes and just how to set the motherfucker. And the group assembled for this task is an absolute murders row of morons.

Cecile, the definitive dumbest person in every room, just stands in the back repeating what the temperature says on the thermostat,.. really dude, what part are you helping they don’t need you go sit the fuck back down and quit crowding around, you do not need to fucking be here. you can’t even get your job done let alone take on building maintenance. Get back to not having a fucking clue, somewhere else.

There’s about 20 thermostats in the place and yet they think the one on top of my desk is the source for all air needs. They stand around this thing like its the Rosetta Stone of thermostats, taking pictures of the thing to go home and decipher themselves.

And all this cause one person said they were hot in a 10 x 8 room with 4 other people and a projector (you don’t fucking say), while I’ve been freezing for 3 goddamn years.

I gotta get outta here

Welcome to I Gotta Get Outta Here,

We are here to suffer together in our everyday lives, in a place we hate, with a bunch of people we hate even more. You’ll see that yes, these people are as dumb as you think, and you spend hours upon hours letting their stupidity run rampant on our lives..

So raise a glass to all of us wasting our lives with the stupidest people we will ever meet.

We just all gotta get outta here.